So, in 1981, a slasher film was released called My Bloody Valentine. It was exceptionally good. In fact, a a fellow who made a name for himself with films like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction called it ‘the best slasher movie of all time’.
I guess if you’re gonna pick a film like this off the shelf, you have to like slasher movies. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. The ‘slasher movie enthusiast’ is a special character… and there are a few prerequisites that are required to make the grade. In my opinion they are as follows.
1. A small town setting – everyone knows everyone. 2. An air of uncertainty – there is a secret the town harbors. 3. A recent unsolved crime – this may lead back to the ‘secret’. 4. Nudity – gratuitous scenes of T&A (tits & ass)… (usually followed immediately by an elaborate death). 5. A killer – almost dream like; appearance is larger than life, unstoppable with a mask of some description. 6. A huge sharp weapon – 10 times the size of the normal article. 7. The returning of a town member who left because he felt responsible for ‘the secret’ – i.e the hero. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Ok, we’ve got a slasher movie.
Hollywood loves sequels… but it loves something else even more. Remakes. We’ve seen that remakes can pull in the audiences, especially when that audience is of the horror/slasher variety. See ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, ‘The Amityville Horror’, ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ and more recently ‘Halloween’, ‘Friday 13th’, ‘The Last House on The Left’ and the upcoming remake of ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’. Amazingly, Hollywood have done the one-two punch and 3 of those above mentioned films have already spawned remake-sequels and 2 more of them have been green-lit for sequel production. Ka-ching!
But, back to the subject matter at hand. My Bloody Valentine, the 2009 version, was given new state-of-the-art 3D treatment. I heard it worked like a charm in the cinemas, but there are ‘dead’ give-a-ways that the film wasn’t written for pure slasher value and turned into 3D – but rather that it was made directly for 3D. And this kind of sucked, because it was more about ‘what can we do to make the 3D awesome’ than ‘what can we do to make this film awesome’.
The very elaborate deaths all involve a massive pickaxe forcing it’s way through it’s victims flesh to push another body part towards the screen, or the pickaxe getting through the victim and heading towards the screen. Then that piece or pickaxe stays there… for 2 seconds too long. You actually have the time to imagine lifting your hand out to touch it, because on the big screen it would have been right under your nose. At home – this just adds to the irritation of an already slow and weak film.
Basic premise follows the original. Your back story is provided via ‘flash-back’ through newspaper articles and narration over the opening credits. This is in fact were I thought we were in for a keeper. Then the main film starts and the opening scene just doesn’t work properly. The dialogue is weak and the actors look like they are in rehearsal. The story follows three time lines… 10 years ago, a year following that and then 10 years after. A little confusing but actually well handled and clear in the film. A young coal miner causes an accident (the lead actor) that traps 6 mine workers. It ends up killing 5… and the only survivor ends up in a coma for a year. He is blamed for their deaths, but as it turns out the fellow in the coma is a bit of a bad apple. He was actually responsible for the deaths of the other 5 men because he murdered them to conserve oxygen whilst trapped underground. He then awakes from the coma and goes on the rampage. He kills 22 people with… wait for it… a pickaxe but later shot and killed by the authorities. 10 years later to the day, his death is questioned as murders involving a pickaxe start to take place again. Dun-dun-dah…
Over the 95 minutes, the actors do a satisfactory job. The only well knowns for me were Jaime King (Goldie from Sin City) and Kerr Smith (from The Forsaken : Desert Vampires). I have heard of Jensen Ackles but never seen him before. The film was entertaining enough but just didn’t have the kind of production value of some of the above mentioned work. To me when a film like this comes out it needs to be really polished. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a truly exceptional remake. I know it got shredded by critics and fans alike, but for me it far exceeded the original.
When watching something new like this, I try to see it as a stand alone (as if it was the original). But, I always end up comparing it to one of my favourite ‘sleeper’ horror films that came out in 2003, Wrong Turn. I had heard nothing about it and never saw it advertised, yet it was one of the most entertaining horror films I have ever seen (it was like The Texas Chainsaw meets Deliverance). It had a cast of relative new-comers, a great story and enough gore to keep the die hards happy. MBV could have been that film but really just didn’t get off the mark fast enough. The material the actors had to work with was weak and this made the actors seem week too.
It isn’t something I would rush back to watch anytime soon. It only gets 5/10 for love of the genre but not the movie itself.